I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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