Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Apparently you make a good broom.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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