Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
