Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
