I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
