Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't turn off my feet"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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