I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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