Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I touched a dick in church today
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
