there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
