I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's shark week go big or go home
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
