come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
