Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
