I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
