I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
