just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
