new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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