sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
