I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
