his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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