even my farts smell like vagina
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
