he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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