Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
