i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
