I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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