He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
