I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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