sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
