Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
