We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's official drugs can't kill me
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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