my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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