I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
