if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
