my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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