Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
