Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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