he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
