made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you need anything just hit me up
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.