How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
