I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I want a musical about memes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
