Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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