I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
