ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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