All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
