Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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