saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
babies were throwing up all over the place
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize