He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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