Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
