Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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