I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
