god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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