I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I cockslap morals
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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