I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
