she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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