guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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